Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of losing what we think we currently have, fear is the biggest emotional barrier. Fear holds us back from living fully in the present because we want to avoid being hurt in the future.

Once I had a chance for true love, but fear came in the way. What if one day he stops loving me? What if I will regret my decisions one day? What if he leaves me after I risk everything? What if one day I'll lose everything? I didn't take a leap of faith, I hesitated. When I realized how stupid and coward that is, it's too late. Then I realized the importance of rather risking all and get nothing than never tried, coz at least you wouldn't regret.

It seems to apply the same to my pursuit of singing as a career. I didn't get into music schools, I got discouraged by my teacher, I blaimed on fate, I come up with excuses that maybe I am not good enough. Only to realize later that I didn't want it desperately enough because of fear! Fear of failure, fear of venturing into the unknown, fear of competition, fear of losing what I seem to have, fear of being a poor desperate musician wondering around street. But what now? I am still being burnt by this desire to make this dream come true. There is no other way to realizing your dreams, but, risk everything and try to make it happen!

We hold ourselves back from living and loving life to the fullest, out of fear. If we do not show up fully for life and love, life and love will not show up fully for us.

There seems to be only one way to achieve abudance in life - live your passion, take your risks, loose your expectation, give it all and have faith it will be worthwhile!

I think I know where I am heading now.

I should be running out for my painting lessons and lunch, but I have to search for this:

"Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die... then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt so peaceful... and safe... because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad... because I had you. And then I, uh... I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures. And I know that you think you have to do this today... but I don't want you to. But I guess... if I love you, I should let you move on."

I couldn't hold my tears for almost an hour after the movie, making my girl friends very worried. But that's when I understand why I was doing what I was doing then, and why I am doing what I am doing now. Also, that's when I knew I was still in love with you.

But I should let you move on.

1. I think that if I’m good at what I do, money will come, so I have never been very concerned about the financial side of any job I’ve taken beyond answering the question – “can I live on this?” {And, more than enough money has come, so I think I was right about this, and you’ve just seen the same thing I expect.}  So, Don’t worry about the money, worry about being best!
2. I think that if I don’t want to go to work more than I want to do anything else, then I’m doing the wrong thing.  A huge amount of your life is spent at work so if it’s not exciting and enjoyable and if you are not learning every day, then find a job that is.  So on this one, I’ve walked out on more jobs than most people have had, and usually without a clear replacement at the time {and I just did that again with ABC company and at an age when most people are hanging on to jobs and worrying about retirement, but I’m not}.  So, maybe that’s crazy, but I think spending a day in misery just to make money is crazy, so each to his own, but I know I’ve got only 1 try at life and I do not want to waste a single minute doing something stupid or irrelevant or in servitude or whatever.  So, don’t waste time doing something you don’t like, only do it if you love it!
3. Also, I think there are important and unimportant challenges in life at the time one lives, so it’s more satisfying to work on an important challenge – what can I do that actually will change the world?  Things that will not: writing another academic paper just to get it on your resume, making money just to put it in the bank or buy a Ferrari, having babies without the commitment to see them through to the best possible outcome.  Things that will: doing frontier research that will change technology or the basics of understanding for everyone who comes after you, doing something that changes people’s lives and as a byproduct making yourself enough money to live comfortably and do special things, having babies and putting enormous effort into ensuring they will be productive and will contribute to society

It's easy to say "I want to change the world" and get admired for that, "walk the talk" is the real part. Let me work on it.

Btw, I understand why I love "crazy" people now. Crazy = Passion = Aliveness = Great

The rocker Bono once said that music and soulful lovemaking were the two tools by which we come closest to transcending ourselves and touching the essence of God.

This sounds right to me.

Music is a spiritual practice. The first time I felt I was touching the clouds and grasping a little glimpse of heaven and God is when I stand on the stage of the esplanade concert hall singing "Mimi" to 1000+ audience.

Music is a journey. At different stages of life, the music we use to express our souls are evolving.

Music is everywhere in every moment. Music is the breeze that gently strokes the beautiful flower you are staring, music is the bride's veil that quietly reveals the joyful love in her eyes, music are the footprints on the beach, music are the stars in the sky...

Music is the love language between the souls.

Soulful lovemaking must come after true love, between soul mates.

Lovemaking, to me, comes in all forms, instead of the conventional sexual intercourse.

A witty conversation with a spice of surprise and true wisdom (like in Jane Austin's novel), the kiss after a long journey of guessing the heart, an unbearable torture of being apart, the can't-get-my-eyes-off-you gazes burning in the air, the hug that holds me so tight, touch me to the heart, to the skull, the words of support and assurance, the smile that warms up your heart...

Lovemaking is the dance of two lonely souls, the celebration of the reunion from past life, the blooming fireworks after all the sparks of unspoken connection.

But where are you hiding, my true soul mate?

I watched "2 days in Paris" last night, it's literally the 2nd Julie Delpy's movie I've seen (though just in the last 3 days). I'll not repeat the storyline here as I believe the reader could easily found it on google or just simply loan from a VCD shop in the neighbourhood.

What really stricks me is the voice-over near to the end of the movie:

"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses."

It just sounds awfully pesssistimistic but amazingly real!

Somebody told me, when you get older, it would be harder for you to fall in love again, you can't tolerate even some little imperfections or things in a prospective partner that used to irritate you before... Hmm... Now I know why. After all, how many times can you put your heart on the line? After all, who really wants to lose that just a little bit hope and settle for someone who bugs you sixty percent of the time? After all, after being through so much, do you still dare to risk of taking a leap of faith to love again before you feel 120% worthwhile? Sometimes, would you regret of breaking up with the old love who just used to bug you 20% of the time coz what you can find now irritates you even more? Do you fear one day you will be tired of the love game? Are you scared you can't find the one you want at all? To protect that little bit of flame of hope to be blown away, you are cautious, you are picky, you are suspicious, you are scared... You told me, I haven't been in a relationship for donkey of years and maybe I don't need one at all.

It saddens me. And I don't know how to end this post with a conclusion by gathering even all my wisdom.

Luckily, I had friends around me who have found and settled down with their true love eventually. Fortunately, I still got some hope. And I'll keep my fingers crossed for all that needs it.

What's freedom? I always ask myself... Why people fight hard for material and comfortable life but never happy? Why people behave as what their parents told them to and what the society require them to, but still they are unhappy and full of complains? Why people find partners their parents mold them to be, they seems content and happy, but ask the small child inside whether they still remembers their young dreams and still envy their idols' life, whether they still regret something they had never tried? Whether they have been told by themselves they will fail to feel happier and easier? (these are mental drugs, it doesn't cure but can relief pain)

I broke up with my singing teacher last week, the teacher who once believed me to be the violetta in La Traviata, the teacher who once helped me to win my first award in singing, who once trusted me and wanted to help me to get into julliard and encourage me to sing for my dream... The teacher I still feel thankful for....

You probably will wonder why...

Yes, I did make magic happen with his encouragement and love before... But in the last one year, I was discouraged badly by someone I trusted so much, and then followed by my teacher whom I believe could restore my faith. I was told to have a generic voice, I was told hardly successful to be an opera singer especially as a soprano.... I was told to lose, like being told to die before birth, how can I continue without faith and courage? And most sadly, my once worshiped artist now behaves like a businessman!

Some quotes from Rumi's poem:

Do not sit long with a sad friend,

when you go into a garden,

do you look at thorns or flowers?

spend more time with roses and jasmine.

What if a dead person can speak? They will tell you "don't live, you will die!" So you will give up life before birth, will you? One day you really died, what's the most important things you've achieved in life? A big house, car, pure breed dogs like everybody else? Or rather "I've followed my dreams, did what I like, even it turned not to be a big success everybody on the earth knows about, but I won myself, I was happy and contented coz I know I followed my heart all years through life!"

What a freedom to follow our dreams and heart!

Still remember the special friend named DAIL, it means "do as I like", it was not a hard myth to guess and wasn't very impressive at that moment, but when I look back all those years, I know that must be the hardest while the best thing to follow in life. I still remembered his dream is to be a primary teacher teaching geography in a small village in china so he can have time to read a lot of books and write his Chivalric fictions. But now, he is doing his PHD in London. But at least he is now with his dream girl he had been pursuing for years, I am still happy for him at least he is spending life with the girl he truely like!

How many people in this world never had a dream? How many people had really tried? How many people insisted on their dreams and never gave up? How many people lost their dreams in the fear of being starving and homeless, being abandoned by society and loved ones because of craziness to live out of comfortable material life?

How many people are free in our so-called liberated time of human beings?

The truth is --------- we prisoned ourselves and we cheated ourselves to be happy by others' judgement!

Free your mind my friend, there is nothing stopping you from pursuing your dream, only you yourself can!

Talking about responsibilities to make your parents happy? They will be more sad to see you unhappy for the rest of your life when they are no longer around. Talking about making your loved ones and family happy? I have to say you better find someone who support and believe in your dreams but not someone who love your sacrifice and what you can brings them more than your soul yourself. And how an unhappy you could bring happiness to your loved ones? (to be continued)