I remember once when I was young, mum had a surgery but she didn't tell me when she was hospitalized. I was very shocked when I found out that later and asked why she didn't tell me earlier. She told me she is afraid that when I find out I will be so worried that I will abandon my study and fly home to see her, coz that was during my exam week. I was honestly impressed by her thoughtfulness and thought what a self-sacrificing person she is, and I wanted to be like her!

Until later, I realized that my mum was always trying to be the perfect mum and perfect wife and she hides all her resentments within her pretending that nothing is wrong until a big emotional explosion happens in the house, when she will throw all her anger out. Slowly I realized this self-sacrificing act seems nice on the surface but actually was not healthy at all - accumulating all the resentments within her, pretending to be a stronger person than she actually is, and wasn't being honest with herself, will only bring more hurt to herself later on.

After I grow up, I realized I really did become like her. No matter how upset I was, I learnt how to not show, I wasn't allowing myself to be vulnerable most of the time coz I just know I need to be strong all the time until one day I couldn't cope with it anymore. Then it became a habit that I was constantly not honest with myself. I can try and convince myself that I am like someone else or that I have more “will power” than I actually do or that I am in perfect control. This usually comes in the following forms: Refuse to think about something by trying to forget about it, and bury it deep inside the mind (repression), associate one's own negative qualities with someone else, by blaming circumstances or situations on another person (projection), refusing the reality of a situation, by pretending things are different than they actually are (delusion), and lying to oneself and refusing to accept the truth (denial).

I guess it is out of fear that one chose to lie to him/herself. By not being honest with oneself, one chose to simply forget about a situation or deal with it later rather than confront or face it directly, which often feels less painful and easier in the beginning, but eventually the situation don't get better or go away, one only managed to postpone the inevitable and often make the final outcome much worse.

Then I realized that I need to be honest with myself, as only being honest with myself will get me “somewhere” much closer to where I am trying to go, only being honest with myself will attract more healthy relationships, more balanced lifestyle and more rewarding career path into my life.

For the first time, I realized how important it is to say "No" to even loving friends who tries to meet you and take away all the free time of your evenings, how important it is to have downtime by myself, to reflect, to re-orientate, to heal my soul from the chaos of life, to find peace back in my heart.

The weekend is rather busy leaving little space for me and myself to have an intimate time together. Last Saturday was a very uncreative day artistically, but fortunately I cancelled my original plans for little finer things in life - cooking. But the later part of Sunday became miserable after a force feed of restless techno music, challenge to my emotional discipline, the impulsive me emerged and took the order.

I regret to the day that the "me" in me was not strong enough to rule over my mind and emotions at that time, causing some childish behavior, I thought I've spiritually more enlightened after the "power of now". But it's ok, let me accept myself, let me accept this is just part of the growing process. I am just merely human. The important thing is I learnt from this experience and surely should be able to handle better in future situations.

Thanks to all my supportive friends who helped me through a difficult time and allow me to grow from it without judging me... It's such a blessing to have all of you around me, encouraging me to be strong and believing in the love within me that gives me peace.

Actually realizing that I sometimes do prefer some loner time, in the beginning, is a bit frightening. Coz on the surface, it seems like a sign of getting old and calm. But in reality, this peace grants me real power, to let go, to forgive, to love, to accept, to face up life, no matter it is rough or pretty, and it is not at all without energy (my mental image of "old" = no energy, no excitement and challenge)!

I am sure my mind are starting to settle down into a state that is more contented, more enlightened, more focused on what what I have than I don't have, more appreciative of life, more confident to believe in my own power to make the right choice for life.

Now let this little blog post mark a footprint of my journey to search for spiritual enlightenment in life, all of you are the witnesses. :D

Today I made one of the best decision in my life. Go to a art school and pick up a brush and start painting - precisely oil painting and acrylic.

I feel like a thirsty person who have traveled in desert for so long and have finally found the spring with the sweetest water, like a sailer who have finally discovered the new continent, like a little child who have searched in the dark for so long and finally found the light and an entrance to a whole new world.

That's what the texture, the color, the freedom of expression in oil painting meant to me.

For the whole afternoon, I couldn't stop painting until I was late for my dance classes. I believe I could just continue and experiment different ways to mix colors, different ways to create another layer and stroke another line or circles or shapes.

It's amazing. And I found there are actually so much I would love to paint.

I used to be scared of drawing because when I was sent to sketching classes as a child, the little perfectionist in me always kept erasing lines to just try and make a better and more accurate figure or shape, so in the end my drawing is usually a bit "dirty" and the paper became sloppy too. But what I realized today is, I am no longer obsessed with the accurate illustration of shapes, my mind is much more free and am able to accept and create spontaneity. And the beauty of oil painting just fits the bill, that you can paint no matter how badly you dislike the previous layer as you can have as many layers as you want, and stop whenever you want to stop. And the type of style I like is pretty abstract and random, but it is surely a piece of art that carries my emotional expression!

I am going to buy another canvass tomorrow (precisely today), colors and oil, my God, I didn't know I have so much things that I want to paint:

dream, music, opera, love, lost, depression, passion, the yellow trees in the autumn, the changing face of clouds in the sky, the sun, the daises, the faces, tulips, anything that is beautiful, ugly, picturable and unpicturable...

中午和同事吃饭的时候在cold storage看到这盆红掌，(一开始无知的竟以为它叫马蹄莲，汗颜一下)。油油的心形绿色叶子，骄傲的衬托着娇艳欲滴的红色花朵，伸着长长的黄色似点缀着粉色味蕾的舌头。http://www.hopebank.com.cn/picture/hongzhang/018.jpg 我的有两朵已经开了，还有一个含苞欲放。每次看到都满眼的清凉，满心的喜悦。于是上网去查养花秘诀，准备做个养花能手！

昨天经过宠物店的时候，进去看小狗了。有一只金色的女生吉娃娃正在睡大觉，好可爱，才2个月，像个小狮子，于是问店主，950块，六月中才可以带回家，因为还没有打免疫针。我是个连仙人掌都可能会养死的家伙，又整天跑来跑去不在家，怎么能配当小狗的主人呢？说不定几天动物协会的人就上门控诉我虐待动物了。哎，还是从养花开始吧。

突然，难过起来，因为想要在人前表现的一脸灿烂和坚强而遮起柔软新鲜的伤口，然后把快要泛滥溢出的爱心和空虚注入到宠物和爱好中，似乎那就可以疗伤。我可以做到心止如水静如菩提吗？

昨天下班的时候，因为晚上声乐协会的会议临时取消，所以突然无所事事起来，无比轻松。。。我多做了一个小实验以后，八点多才走出office。Chere Nui, 新加坡的夜幕总是黑得不那么彻底，而后偶尔微风吹过，惬意！

我走到一片最爱的草地旁，这里因为有路灯的光顾显得特别“明媚”。一阵风吹过，落花纷飞。。。闲庭信步之余，眼前跃然闪现儿时放学时的画面。温暖的夕阳，绿油油的梧桐树，灰色的砖砌马路崖子，风一吹过满地的榆钱，可以用来夹鼻子扮皮诺曹的那种，金黄金黄又毛茸茸的。霎那间，我仿佛又变成那个无忧无虑享受童年的穿紫色太阳裙带小黄帽的小女孩。总是一跳一跳的从不好好走路的调皮鬼。哈哈，脚下竟然也跟着一蹦一跳起来，可是只要一小会儿我就意识到似乎那种跳动的脉搏已远离我而去，现在这样子跳跳竟然觉得傻傻的了，sigh...我还是继续走我的淑女应该走的步子吧。于是，继续专心地压我的马路。哦，原来这里种了万年青，和小学校足球场旁边种的一样呢，他们正在冒新鲜的青芽，所以现在是一副深绿嫩绿相间的样子。这个样子好像在那个记忆的角落里也拾起过呢！？嗯。。。冬天的万年青缀着雪毯活似绿茶口味的奶油蛋糕。。。突然间馋起来，童年的味道似乎都刺鼻而来。。。我家花园自留地上长出的火红草莓配上牛奶冰激凌，还有烤地瓜，豆腐脑的叫卖声，磨剪子来磨菜刀的吆喝，哈哈，连声响都出来了。。。于是，肚子饿饿。。。冲到cold storage,买了一大包草莓，还有地瓜（番薯），可是没有奶奶家的蜂窝炉子，我去那里烤呢？

嗬嗬，怎么突然间变成五岁的心情了？

不知道从什么时候，开始耐心着过着波澜不惊的日子，慢慢等时间走过。之前可是敢着日子过，心里的标尺总在监督着，几岁几岁的时候应该拥有些什么，怎么怎么样了。。。可能是长大或衰老的标志？呵呵，可不觉得这是没有进取心，只不过不再“心比天高”了。虽然说生命不管成就多高，只是走过一段时间吧，所以不再努力逼自己做不喜欢的事，也不逼自己在喜欢的事情上期望着一夜成就了。顺其自然啦，也许命运就是像有人说的life gives you the best surprise when you least expect it.同时每天一点一点的积累着--快乐，经历，感悟，解惑，求知。。。这或许比起突然发现有一天老了，结果喜欢的做的事情都没去做，就算成为伟人又怎样？呵呵，当然每个人的追求不同的，我白羊座，就是太花心了，什么都要去玩玩。:D 而且好像时间过的越来越快了，怎么这么快呢？好像同龄人应该在生命道路上去经历的事情我却有心去逃避呢？或许怕太早真的老去，什么都不能做了？突然发现年轻时候的梦想似乎变得更美丽得朦胧了，或许是因为他们永远都不能实现的原因？！:D I am not a princess, never be coz I was not borned to be. But if one day there is something can satisfy me with the same feeling --what about an opera role violetta? 看来我这辈子都不能从梦想中走出来咯。。。